What have we got to do?

What does friendship mean to you? What does it mean to society in general? Why do we, as humans, need friendship so much? Is it just to allow us to express ourselves in obnoxious manners? Or is it so we grow old with the ones we love, and die around them?

For me, friendship is strange. I still don't know who my real friends are, and who I'm just clinging onto to stop myself from becoming lonely. With that said there are a couple of people who I believe are my true friends. However no matter how much I like others, I don't count them as real friends. This is because I don't tell them things from my gut. I tell them how I feel at the time, and about things which upset or make me happy, but in all seriousness I don't tell them things from deep down. It’s a hard thing to explain, but I know what I mean. My friends are a broad bunch, we all have such wide personalities and interests and most of the interests we share are only threadbare. It's a sad thing to admit, but there is only a couple or even just one person who I am relying on keeping my friend for life, and I know they'll say the same. All of my other friends who say they wish to know me for life, well I just agree as I know not to be cruel and say things which they don't want to hear (as I can be harsh sometimes anyway). I love my friends at this current time. But when I'm with some of them I feel a deep emptiness or a vast gap, in which I feel I should stop being with them/I don't belong with them. It's a horrible truth, but it's the feeling I have when with people. I don't enjoy surrounding myself with millions of others. I'm not good with it; I'm only good with dealing around a small number of people. That way I feel more in control of my surroundings, and I know what's appropriate and inappropriate to say and joke about.

I have lost many friends over the past years that I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. And it's sad because I know all of this information about them, however I can no longer use it and it's a useless stash in my brain. It's the same with boyfriends, you build up this profile of them, trying to remember facts and figures and dates of events just so when they say something or when it's their birthday you can pretend you know them from natural instinct rather than a cram of information in your hard drive which you force yourself to memorise. I find it interesting is all, that we try so hard with new friendships. Telling the person everything about ourselves, so that they feel comfortable around us and they feel as if they know us. We trust people to tell us the truth about ourselves so that we feel we can know them and show off to others about how well we know each other. However it's so easy to lie to make yourself sound more interesting. I know I've done it in the early stages of friendship with people; however it's back fired so in the latter stages of our friendship they bring up things which I know deep down are not true.

For some other people friendship is a way of staying alive. People cannot live without being in the company of others. However being brought up as an only child and not living with my sister, I find it easy to seclude myself in my room and not socialise. Just to be by myself until the later hours of night. I'm not sure why but I like it that way. This is why I don't think I'm good in big groups, and why I am not good at friendships because I find it too difficult to interact with others comfortably. This is why I am awkward sometimes, and my friends would agree as they see me in groups and I do lack some self confidence. All because I was raised to be alone, and rely on myself. Don't feel bad, it's comforting. I just find it hard to be social sometimes, as I'm more of a one person kind of person. When I'm in a group of people I sometimes feel flustered because I am un able to make myself noticed, I find it hard to talk to people and I end up sometimes being quiet or sectioning myself off to become involved in only a couple of people, leaving the rest out. I can't help it, it's just the way I'm wired. This does make me feel bad though, as I can see that some of my other friends don't understand why I don't talk to them, it's just the simple fact that I can't bring myself to switch from group to group, trying to make conversation. This goes for parties, when there are a mass of people I go quiet, I can't seem to make myself feel natural around acquaintances which is why I sit still sometimes and stay quiet...

So back to the question of why do we surround ourselves. I believe it to be that we cannot handle our own company. We're frightened to explore our inner thoughts and feel restless when we're alone. Whereas with people we can turn into something colossal, and aim to woo others. I see it at school, girls surround themselves with boys, girls swamp around other girls, boys group together and even though there are different groups of them, they are all talking about the same thing. I don't have an aim to be popular; I just have an aim to quietly allow myself to sneak past others without the worry of talking to them. When old friends (now new acquaintances) try to talk to me, complimenting me and giving me praise. Well I sometimes feel like just walking away, and ignoring their kindness, however society classes this as rude. So I stay there and talk, returning back empty compliments and waiting for that awkward silence so that I can walk away. I can't help it; I'm just bad with relationships in general...